I don't know how long I've been staring at this blank screen for now... Probably a few hours at least. While thoughts and Ideas of how to express myself come and and go through my head, the minute I look at the screen everything just disappears...
Breath...
When I 11 years old, I stole 100 dollars from my grandma and took it to school. All I want to do was just show it off to my friends, still it was wrong of me. When I brought It back home I was caught trying to sneak it back to where I found it. My grandma told me to I had to sit and wait till grandpa got home so I could tell him what I did. I was furious! What was I going to do with 100 dollars really? You could of given me a toonie back then and I would of been set for the year. I begged and pleaded my case that I was never going to spend it, but it didn't matter, and without thinking, like a little brat, I yelled at my grandma telling her she was overreacting and had that she wasn't my mother. As soon as those words flew out of my mouth you bet my hands were there to cover it. I looked at her, she looked back at me, I stood there wide eyed anticipating the backlash of what I had just said, only to see her turn around and just leave me standing there. I knew I had done wrong, so I went to her and told her I was so sorry about what I had said, she obviously forgave me but I was 11, just a child and had no idea of the true impact of my words.
An other time, Im ashamed to say told my mother that I hated her. I was in my teens, and the words just flew out of my mouth once again. She use to work nights back then, so I had all day at school then all night at home to think about it until she got home. Funny thing is I don't even remember what we were arguing or if we were even arguing at all. I just remember being furious at her and saying it straight to her face and then watching her slowly stand up and just walk out the door. When I got home that night I literally sat at the chair at the top of the steps looking down at the door all night until she got back. All the while thinking to myself what on earth I could possibly say to her to make it better. Obviously things were fine after I had apologized profusely! She is mother after all. But it doesn't excuse what I said to her, and it never will.
What Im trying to get it at is that through out our lives we will inevitably find ourselves in situations where we feel cheated, upset, heartbroken, lost etc. But what we have to accept is that anger or any emotion we feel as result of those feelings is perfectly acceptable to feel. We should never be upset with ourselves if we are angry ( something that i've always had a hard time to deal with ). But what isn't perfectly acceptable is when we let our emotions get the better of us. If we let that anger dictate our actions or in my case my words.
Im sad to say that yesterday was one of those days, but this time it wasn't a family member that i hurt with my words, it was someone who is very special to me, someone I would never want to hurt ever, but through my words I feel like I did. I was hurt, heartbroken, and angry, and still am, but the issue here is that I let those emotions get the better of me, and while I never used the words hate or your not my "family/friend etc.", I was very short, very rude, and childish, and can't help but feel like I hurt them... I've had the unbearable privilege (due to my being bed ridden because of my injury) to have lay here for the last two days and re-live it over and over. Though I got my main points across to this person, (and am sticking to them), if in the process of expressing myself I did if in fact hurt them, in any way (which im positive I did.) I just hope they read this and know that words can not express how truly sorry I am for how I acted. It wasn't my day, but that is no excuse... It should of never been like that, and like the rest of my stories, will forever be a reminder to me of how we should and shouldn't treat people... I'm so sorry.
Let this go as a lesson for everyone, that words hurt. We have to be responsible for our actions and we have teach ourselves to control our emotions. Angry or not the second we let our emotions get the better of us, is when we have the potential to do or say things that we never in a million years would think we would ever do, or even said we would never do. And even if the damage is done, we need to pick ourselves up and do the right thing and apologize, no matter how hard it can be.
Thank you all for listening, talk to you all soon.
Andrew.
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