I find myself here in my room, writing to express how deeply upset I am with myself. This morning at 740am I was scheduled to have my last operation on my knee, It was from this moment on that I would have to start going through some gruelling physiotherapy that would last for three months. But the light at the end of the tunnel was in sight, my year and half recovery was almost at an end. But as I do with most things, I screwed it up.
Over the Last few weeks, I had been fighting off my fear of this operation. Not because of the operation itself, but because of what it meant to me and my life. The absence from my work where I've been working full time for the last three years was already a big enough change for me. I've committed so much time to that place and now to be able to spend some time to myself was, I'm not going to lie a little scary. It's all very new to me and I don't know where to start.
Another thing this operation meant was a new beginning, as I have been planning on returning to school after I was done rehabilitation. I haven't been to school in 3 and half years and even thinking about getting started again is frightening. The same fears and doubts that plagued my mind three years ago, (and i'm sure plague a lot of new students) were still there even after all that time away.
Another reason why I have been fearing this operation is due to my own personal issues about the changes the recovery will bring to my social life. Now obviously with recovery, comes a lot of time where I'm going to be alone, and it sucks, there are some people who I wont be able to see as much as i'd like and to, and even though the reason I feel this way is my own issue, its still doesn't change the fact that these people mean a lot to me... I sure hope they know who they are and how important they are, and even though I may be worrying to much ( :P ), its only because i really do appreciate the time spent together.
Now with all this being said, yesterday and today before my surgery I spent a lot of time preparing myself for these changes, accepting them and embracing because at the end of the day, ill be recovering and I'll be better for it. But last night at 445am as I was leaving the house, my head went completely blank and I ate half a BK whopper... It wasn't until half way to my grand mothers that I realized what I had done. (can't eat before you to hospital!!! ) When I arrived the first thing I did was make my self vomit every little thing I had in my stomach... hoping this might resolve the problem... Well I was sure wrong lol.
I arrived at the hospital and got the IV in me, shaved my leg and all that fun stuff, and when the nurse was asking me a bunch of questions I decided it would be smart to tell her what had happened. She looked at me with a shocked expression and quietly asked "you did what?" I replied my statement again but this time added that I had made myself throw up. She said it would probably be okay and then left. The next thing i know my anesthesiologist comes up to me and tells me that they are going to have to bump me from 740 to 12 due to me having eaten. I replied that was okay and thought it was the end of it. Until my actual doctor came up to me and told me that the chances of me being opened up today were pretty low, and that I would have to be rebooked for another day, as early as possible. I panicked a little but hey whats another few days. The doctor left and then I proceeded to lay down on that bed for 7 hours until 245 with yet no word of what was going to happen, doc shows up and tell me there was no time to work on me and that I would have to wait a month... A FUCKING MONTH!
Im now stuck in this weird situation. Since my doctor added me to the cancelation list (top of the list) the moment anyone misses or cancels there appointment, I'm in. Which means at any moment i could get a call and have to be ready for surgery the next day. Which means I can't go back to work... I cant tell them I can start working and work two shifts and then tell them I'll be missing the rest of my week. So now I'm stuck doing nothing for what could be a very long month. And the worst part about all of this is that I now have to prepare myself for life after surgery all over again... Get myself in that frame of mind where I know things are going to be okay. After today it was pretty hard, not going to lie, who knows how the rest of this month could go. I know how I want it to, I know how all my problems could be solved but really, who in life gets what they want (example today). The only thing I can do is be myself and work for what I want and prove to myself that I deserve it. And hopefully things will work out.
So here's to a fun filled month of nothing, and everything.
Cheers,
Andrew Chappell
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